By: I.M. Talent – Published April 1, 2017

The phenomena of “Beer Goggles” – the fictional influence of alcohol on one’s visual perception whereby one is attracted to people who would not otherwise be appealing, has been a commonplace theory.

Leaving theory behind, scientists have finally proven people truly look more attractive if they have been drinking Big Storm Brewery beer.

Research scientists in Clearwater Florida gave 84 Gen-Xer’s either chilled pints of Big Storm beer or a pint of “domestic” beer. Although no “beer goggle effect” could be determined, after 20 minutes, the volunteers were given mirrors so they could rate themselves on an attractiveness scale of 1-10 (commonly known as the “Vainglorious Analysis”).

Virtually all the men and the women who enjoyed Big Storm beer found their own faces more attractive, “a roughly 23.7% gain in ratings of attractiveness,” said Dr. Nick Danger, noted psychiatric and psychotropic Fellow at the Florida Occupational and Observation Lab (“FOOL”). Participants at the FOOL test were each allowed to keep the mirror.

Each volunteer at FOOL was also given an IQ test both thirty minutes before and after the beer was consumed. Astonishingly, all participants drinking Big Storm beer saw an increase of 2,500 points in their IQ, qualifying them for admission to Harvard and an opportunity to apply for a summer internship in Big Storm’s “Anyone Can Be a Brewer” program.

Dr. Danger and his colleagues will detail their findings in the July issue of “The New England Journal of Irony and Hops.”